He always managed to find me which wasn't such a surprise as we lived in the same house. He would pull me to himself, raise my skirt, pull down my pants and push his fingers in so hard that it hurt. When he was done, he would arrange my clothes and warn me not to tell. And I would nodd my agreement and watch him walk away.
I was about 7 or even younger. He was perhaps 15 or maybe even older. He was my cousin and he was a monster no one knew lived in the house. And this monster was taking away my innocence everyday.
This went on untill I was about 11. By then I knew what he was all about and I allowed him do whatever it was he wanted to do. Somehow I wanted him to do it. Push his hands into my skirt and do what he had to do. He would also bring out his penis and ask me to hold unto it. I was scared and curious and guilty and damned and helpless...
By age 12, I discovered what the word sex meant in a dictionary and I realised I had been engaging in some mild form of it all this while. Somehow finding out exactly what the word meant and how it applied to my situation set something off in me. I hated him and I hated myself even more. No one knew. And that was how I wanted it to remain. A dark secret that would somehow eventually kill me...
Oneday I was in the dinning and he rushed and grabbed my breasts. I was 12 and just budding and if you're a woman, you'll no doubt understand how painful it is for anyone to even mildly touch your breasts at this stage. Well, this cousin did and I was so upset I picked up an empty coke bottle I found by the door and launched at him. I wanted to kill him and not just because he had touched my breasts but because of everything he had done to me. My hatred was enough fuel to help me inflict some pain on him even if I was just a skinny little girl and I was determined to do it until I heard my mom's scream.
"Ejura, what is wrong with you?!!!" My mom shouted. I was breathing hard and staring my cousin in the face, my face set as rock.
I pointed the bottle at him and let out a string of insults "Stupid, idiot, devil...!!!". My mom had never seen me that way before and she was surprised.
"Don't you have any respect for your seniors?" She shouted at me while I watched my cousin smirk.
"Apologize now" She ordered but I knew I was never going to do that and as I looked at my mom I wondered if I should tell her everything. My lips trembled with rage as I contemplated my next step and I finally decided to keep quiet.
She won't understand. She'd blame me for everything. Everyone would. Will. Shall. I was guilty and that was it...
To be continued...
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7 comments:
Did you go through this? Poor little you. This is the most awful experience one can ever go through.Why is it that it's always an insider that normally does this? One is suppossed to be secure in a family but sometimes it's within the family that one experiences the worst form of abuse and brutality. What happened next and how did you handle it?This is so awful.I can only imagine how you felt each time he did it.Can't wait for the update.
dis is touchin!who ever goes throu dis needs therapy,it cnt b bottled inside,its a time bomb waitin2blow!jst yesterday a bosom female friend of mine wept while tellin me ow she was introduced2lesbianism by her cousin at d age of 12!its crazy wat all dis devils dat live with us do!
You cannot believe or think that people would actually blame you. Your cousin or whatever he is, is a monster, a weak infidel of a human being.
When people like us keep quiet, it strengthens him because he knows he can get away with it. Speaking out, stops him.
I know how people can be, I wish you broke the bottle on his low-life head.
honestly it scares the crap out of me to even imagine you went through this.i must commend you, you are a very strong babe, trying to keep yourself together and stuff like that.i wonder why our parents never pick up on such things.
so what happened to the molestor?
first time here
Sad but true...the girl always gets blamed...its either, you enjoyed it else u would have told long agaon or u tempted him...they never believe the fear that stops u from telling or the total helplessness that over comes u...
thats terrible. its good that you are able to talk about it now. and do you still see and talk to this couzin?
Whhaattt...thats terrible!
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