Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Disvirgined virgin II

I was 12 and here I was with a secret that was so dark it was choking me. Yet there was nothing I could do about it. And no one even noticed because I was pretty normal in every other way. At school, I maintained my good grades, still loved drawing & painting, still made clothes for my dolls, still laughed, my life was normal and what was happening with my cousin was just a bad dream.

Except it wasn’t.

In between, I had developed an attraction for anything erotic. I first started with the magazine in which the main porn star was Dauda; I think it was called Lolly or something. Then Mills & Boons came into the picture and then James Hardly Chase. Soon, I was touching myself and fantasying about the men I read of in the books and even about my cousin!

I was about 14 when I found out the word for what I was doing. It was in Sister Mary- George’s class. She was teaching on sex and she mentioned the word masturbation and described it to the class. I couldn’t look at the board after that and the shame I felt was intense. At home, I checked the word out in a dictionary just to be sure and I found that Sister Mary was not lying.
My life spiraled out of control after this; my parents were going through a separation and I couldn’t tell anyone what I was going through. Who would understand? Who would help me? I thought sometimes about killing myself but I was too much of a coward to do this [thank God!]; so instead I’d pinch myself till it hurt and I’d cry.
Still no one noticed anything was wrong.

By 16, I realized I needed help. But who to meet? Where to go to? Then one day, I couldn’t take it any longer. I knew about God but felt that he hated me as much as I hated myself and was ready to kill me. Still, I felt the strong urge to kneel by my bed and pray. I did kneel by my bed but I couldn’t pray. Instead I cried. My body racked from my sobs and I cried for a long time. It’s hard to explain what happened next and it’s possible many people won’t believe me but suddenly I knew someone else was in the room with me and he was holding me tenderly. I couldn’t see him but I could feel him and I felt buried in a thick cloud of warmth. I raised my tear stained face and for the first time in my life I knew I was free. I felt extremely light, almost like a feather and I knew from then on everything was going to be ok. I remember getting up and laughing with excitement. I felt like running round the house shouting freedom! Freedom! This memory will die with me.

I have a friend who keeps telling me God doesn’t exist and that Jesus is just mostly a figment of man’s imagination and sometimes his arguments are so strong I also begin to wonder. But then I remember what happened in that room many years ago besides other things and I just know God is real and alive and that He is crazy about me in a way no one else is!

Anyway, my life started to look up after this and I began to thirst for God. I wish I could say things got better and that the nightmare ended but oh no it didn’t.
It was at this time I discovered that this same cousin had also been seeking out my sister and brother…


Afrobabe said...

stranger things have happened babes, glad u found solance...thats all that can let go of the past and face a lovely future...

Today's ranting said...

Your cousin is such a horrible person.Only heaven knows how many other cousins he did this to. May God liberate women from this culture of silence.It's not easy to come out open with such private issues. You are such a brave lady.

Today's ranting said...

wow afrobabe beat me to this by just one second.

Zena said...

I thank God for his mercy and his comfort...You're very brave, and may his favor continue to be with you.

As for your cousin, It will not be well for him unless he has changed

ejura said...

Thank you all for coming by.
I can see afro & today's are having a comment race abi? Una well done oh.

My cousin does seem different and I hope he's made peace with himself. We talk every now and then but I'm so over it, it's pointless bringing it up again.

Thanks Zena.

Y'all have a great day!

Anonymous said...

i know that this post has been over three years but i just came across your blog and im really sorry for all you had to go you are a really strong woman...may Godbless you....i wish i had a friend like you. you seem so real! pls blog more often o even though its been years since you blogged